'He is 20... Never packed a bag, lunch, or suitcase': College student sparks passionate discussion on why grown men seem to expect mothers/women to be a constant parent to them

Author image for Elna McHilderson
Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Jul 20, 2023 7:00 PM EDT

Longterm relationships are not easy, the couple has to always be equally working to help each other grown together. Having a healthy relationship is especially hard when one of the partners does not even know how to do basic tasks, so the expect you to do them for you. Unfortunately, this is more often the man in a hetero relationship. Too often a woman as found herself in a longterm relationship where all of a sudden she is no long just the lover, but she is also now the "mother." Why is that?

One college student came to Reddit to rant about her 20-year-old guy friend she recently cut out of her life after finding out just how strong he is at weaponizing his incompetence. Apparently, she found him sitting around in his dorm room doing nothing, even though he was supposed to move out later that day. She asked why he wasn't packing and he said it was because he didn't know how so he was waiting for his mom and sister to come do it for him. This blew her mind, she asked him why he was unable to do such a basic task that he will most likely have to do many more times in his life and he simply responded saying that why would he learn how to do it when he will always have his mom, sister, or future girlfriend to do it for him? 

The rant did not fall to blind eyes—many women came to discuss this type of manbaby and their power of weaponized incompetence. Why are some grown men like this? Is it the mother's fault for raising him like this? Is it the father's fault for teaching his son to view women in this way? Or is it the just the man's fault for being so entitled? Or is it all three? Women discuss every possible reason and share their own experiences with manbabies and how to avoid them in the future. 

Add as a preferred
source on Google
Advertisement
  • 01
    Smile - When guys says they want a wife who cooks and cleans and does everything around the house for them ee 0 0 G (30 0 0
    via u/memebase
  • 02
    Font - Posted by u/SeriousCalligrapher6 21 hours ago Why do boys just expect mothers/women to be a constant parent to them? Rant I feel like this is related somewhat to this subreddit, but mostly because I feel like you will understand the frustration I feel currently.
    via u/SeriousCalligrapher6
  • 03
    Font - I've just recently stopped talking to this 'friend' of mine and it seemed to be over a slightly trivial matter but the way he goes about it infuriates me. My friend, who at the grand age of 20, has never, ever, ever packed for himself.
    via u/SeriousCalligrapher6
  • 04
    Font - Never packed a bag, lunch, suitcase. His expectation is that his mother or girlfriend will do it for him, which they do. When moving out of his dorm (transferred to one at home because he didn't have any basic training and didn't learn), he waited for them both so they could pack for him!
    via u/SeriousCalligrapher6
  • 05
    Font - When I told him why can't he do what is the most basic task ever, his response was that why would he if there's someone else to do it for him, and that his only responsibility should be to get to the airport for a drink. It just shows in my opinion the sheer entitlement that men have in the belief that women should do everything for them. I also question the parents who do everything for their sons and never teach them how to be independent and actual pleasant people.
    via u/SeriousCalligrapher6
  • 06
    Font - Maybe i'm overreacting but I physically can't stand men who just expect their significant others to act like a mother to them. Oh, and he can't wash himself correctly too so theres that :)
    via u/SeriousCalligrapher6
  • 07
    Font - dogboobes 20 hr. ago ● I'm sorry, but never having packed a bag for yourself by age 20 means your parents raised ya wrong. Throw the whole family away lol
    via u/dogboobes
  • 08
    Font - Clash Bandicootie · 19 hr. ago Yeah it's healthy for a man to have a good relationship with his mother but if he's expecting you to replace mom's role I guarantee you'll have a bad time. Trust me from experience. There is nothing romantic or sexy about that kind of relationship and eventually you'll grow to resent him.
    via u/ClashBandicootie
  • 09
    Font - lioness_rampant_. 17 hr. ago Idk can we please not treat a 20 year old like a dog who wasn't trained right? I grew up privileged and never loaded a dishwasher or a washing machine until college and it took me less than an hour to figure it out. He's 20. He can "raise himself." This whole "he was raised wrong" further eliminates his responsibility as a grown ass adult.
    via u/lioness_rampant_
  • 10
    Font - dogboobes 16 hr. ago ● I hear you, but I really do see some of these traits as a failing to instill certain values and even manners in their children. If you are gonna be a parent, treat it with the seriousness it deserves and know that your kid will one day be an adult what kind of adult do you want them to be? BUT, to your point, by 20 you should grow the eff up and take responsibility for your life!
    via u/dogboobes
  • 11
    Font - Own-Emergency2166 20 hr. ago I dated a guy who had that mentality of "why should I do the boring / unpaid tasks? My job is to the rewarding / paid stuff!" and didn't understand that no one wants to do the boring tasks, they just realize they need to be done and they are competent and unselfish enough to do them. Entitlement is so off-putting.
    via u/Own-Emergency2166
  • 12
    Font - grave_cleric 19 hr. ago You aren't overreacting, that's weaponized incompetence. He's a grown adult expecting to be babied. I don't have patience for those types or those that allow that behavior. Sink or swim he's on his fing own.
    via u/grave_cleric
  • 13
    Font - LonerExistence 20 hr. ago · edited 19 hr. ago Unfortunately a lot of the time it is perpetuated by the parents. The mothers do everything for them and may even tell them to marry a woman who will "take care of them" aka everything from sex to all housework.
    via u/LonerExistence
  • 14
    Font - I've tried calling grown a__ men to set up appts and have had wives calling back - one told me that he couldn't keep track and sometimes don't know what the appts are for when I clearly stated where I was calling from. And why can't he call back? When I saw them, he was perfectly able bodied and not mentally off either, so I don't know she had to come with him and basically play secretary.
    via u/LonerExistence
  • 15
    Font - I've seen this happen for women as well (ie seniors who know nothing about technology and don't learn so spouse has to help with everything) but it is more common with wives having to look after husbands.
    via u/LonerExistence
  • 16
    Font - You would think it'd get better now but there will always be these types of entitled dipsh.ts out there who expect you to clean after them everywhere they go. In a few years he'll be baching about how all women are whes because they won't give "gentlemen" like him a chance.
    via u/LonerExistence
  • 17
    Font - GlowingPlasties · 17 hr. ago Yep. Expecting women to raise their sons and gentle parent the grown men in the family or else they'll act like you're some raging bch for having boundaries and not doing unpaid labor.
    via u/GlowingPlasties
  • 18
    Font - Meanwhile they talk mad sh..t behind your back and uphold nasty double standards. My FIL would stomp around anytime he heard me call out my BIL for loving his rape "jokes" and said I was "trying to ruin" BIL.....The service advisor.... There is no accountability or actual leadership taught to the boys of families like this.
    via u/GlowingPlasties
  • 19
    Font - He couldn't imagine that the truth is women find the services they're expected to perform disgusting and the degrading behaviors he himself enjoys and showed his kids for years - just aren't acceptable. I've seen the emails they pass between each of the male members of the family and unfortunately hear from FIL coworkers about how dismissive and disregarding of women he is.
    via u/GlowingPlasties
  • 20
    Font - The cherry on top is that they communicate to my husband and address him to speak to me but MIL is FIL mouthpiece and when I address FIL directly he gets silly and wild at a woman that can see his nastiness and has the confidence to not be stomped into silence.
    via u/GlowingPlasties
  • 21
    Font - All this to say: DO NOT MARRY INTO A FAMILY LIKE THIS. There's a reason young conservative men aren't updating with the times (look it up) and are staying single and becoming incels. Daddy taught them to and they saw mommy pissed on all their childhood. If their fathers had it so nice, why would they do anything better?
    via u/GlowingPlasties
  • 22
    Font - Anyways, I lucked out with my own husband due to his own volition BUT looking back, I would've ran if I knew about the others. There is no village and no humanity for women and girls within a family like that. The MIL will happily take part in hearing your story and twisting everything to be used against you so she can feel approval from her husband for not being like "that b.tch". Run ladies, run.
    via u/GlowingPlasties
  • 23
    Font - jessynix 17 hr. ago . I think ALL women EVERYWHERE should just STOP doing things for able bodied, adult MEN. Just stop being a doormat. They will learn eventually, believe me. Or they won't, and that is not YOUR problem.
    via u/jessynix
  • 24
    Font - I (48F) never did any of that in my relationships with men. And I had my share of relationships. I was lucky most of my ex bfs did not expect me to "parent" them (if I wanted to parent I would have had a child, but I have always been CF so...). The few that expected me to do things for them were kicked out very soon. Men are entitled only as long as women let them. Just stop let me. Its that easy.
    via u/jessynix
  • 25
    Font - ellygator13 19 hr. ago I think even now parents are subconsciously (or outright) biased. For example the search terms "boy", "genius" and "gifted" come up way more together than "girl", "genius" and "gifted". For girls it's "pretty". By now we have
    via u/ellygator13
  • 26
    Font - enough parents around who verbally declare that they raise their kids the same and that girls can do everything that boys can. Only in reality it isn't so. Mothers will still encourage girls to help and learn household chores but pick up after boys.
    via u/ellygator13
  • 27
    Font - There was also a study done in Germany that found boys get more pocket money than girls, because "boy chores" like mowing the lawn often get paid, but if a girl helps with "girl chores" like folding towels or helping with a younger sibling it's seen as natural and not worth a reward.
    via u/ellygator13
  • 28
    Font - We shouldn't forget that in the 70s women couldn't open a bank account without their father or spouse sponsoring her. We're really not that far into equality territory yet. Look at how long ago we abolished slavery, and racism is still alive and well.
    via u/ellygator13
  • 29
    Font - Best we can do is select partners who are willing to do their part or insist that they learn to wipe their own a__es instead of having us do it for them. We also need to catch ourselves when we cut boys slack that we wouldn't cut girls.
    via u/ellygator13
  • 30
    Font - LuvValKilmer1231 10 hr. ago ● And let's not just blame the mothers. Let's hold the fathers accountable for their lack of action and lack of parenting. This doesn't just fall on women! The men should be raising their sons in their image!
    via u/LuvValKilmer1231
  • 31
    Font - _wanderwoman 19 min. ago They are raising the son in their image, that's the problem. You're right, it's both parents.
    via u/_wanderwoman

Tags

relationship advice marriage manbabies manbaby mothers day relationships feminism women-supporting-women longterm-relationships weaponized-incompetence Reddit women dating
Scroll Down For The Next Article